Ghosts
by A. Zap
Summary: Jim knows about how people can be haunted by ghosts. After all, there were too many times when his mom would look at him and see the ghost of his Dad. That's why Jim's the only one to notice that Spock's being haunted. At first, it seems that it's just from losing his planet and Mom, but after Khan, Jim finds out that Spock has a new ghost. Spirk.
1. Part 1 - Ghosts of Vulcan

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek.**

_Note: This was inspired by a picture I saw on Deviantart. To see it type in the website and add (without spaces) at the end: / art / ST-Ghosts-175155771_

* * *

Ghosts

Part 1 – Ghosts of Vulcan

Jim knows, better than most, how people can be haunted by ghosts.

Not ghosts in the most literal sense, of course. Well, at least as far as he knew, since it was a very big universe.

Still, the ghosts he was taking were not the spooky ones that pop out at Halloween. They were not the ghosts that were people seeking vengeance for their deaths or unable to move on to a different plane of existence. Those sorts of things were just on television shows and movies.

Real ghosts were made from memories.

It was the thought of loved ones, people a person once knew that were long gone.

Furthermore, it was not the ghosts' regrets that caused them to stick around. It was the haunted person's regrets that created the ghosts and made them stick.

Jim's experiences with ghosts came from his mother. There were times when she would look right at him and see a ghost, not him. She would sometimes shut down or leave the planet and have _Frank_ of all people in charge of him.

He had hated it. It wasn't his fault that he and his father looked alike. It wasn't his fault that he had died. Why did he have to pay the price? Why did his mom have to suffer?

There hadn't been anything he could really do. After all, he had just been a kid.

Still, his experience had made him know how to tell when someone is being haunted.

That's why it doesn't take him very long to notice that Spock is being haunted.

* * *

Of course, Jim had already been trying to keep an eye on the Vulcan. He had lost his whole planet, a majority of his species, and, on a more personal level, his mother. He had been in so much emotional pain that when prodded he had tried to strangle Jim (which he had been asking for, but whatever). It makes sense that the experience would haunt the guy.

Jim had been ecstatic when Spock had joined the crew, taking the role of both Chief Science Officer and First Officer. It wasn't just because of what Old Spock had said. When the two had worked together to take down Nero, they had worked together seamlessly. He had never worked so well with someone before, not even Bones. Jim found himself wanting that.

Naturally, once the Vulcan joined the crew, he wanted to know more about him. He had asked Pike for anything he could tell him about the Vulcan's habits. It was fairly stereotypical: he had an excellent work effort, highly intelligent, always ready to answer any questions with a wide range of knowledge, tendencies to keep to himself, loyal, a skilled fighter despite preferring more peaceful negotiations, and if you try to interfere in something he deems private, expect to encounter those fighting skills as you're thrown into a wall. Nothing too surprising.

The thing that _was_ surprising was that Pike had noted that Spock already had a self-sacrificing nature. If he had it before, who knew how his losses would make it worse?

Still, Jim was glad to see Spock interacting and becoming part of the crew.

Spock was sometimes the only one who could understand what Chekov was saying, and the Russian seemed to look up at the Vulcan as a mentor after he got over his guilt from not being able to say his mother. Spock, in return, took Chekov under his wing and taught him what he wanted to know. It was interesting to watch how patient he could be.

Scotty and Spock got along quite well to Jim's surprise. They were both members that had the most experience in Starfleet and actual experience with being on a ship. The two would sit together in the lounge and toss theories and other engineering talk so fast that Jim had a hard time keeping up. Sometimes, Chekov would join them. It was funny to see them together.

Sulu was also a bit of a given when Spock was with Chekov. The pilot and navigator were practically inseparable. Still, Spock also seemed to trust him, and the two would bond over botany and weird plants. On one planet, the two totally started geeking out over an improbable plant growth. They also sparred together, with Spock helping Sulu with his hand-to-hand skills and providing an adequate challenge to the swordsman.

Spock and Bones' relationship was the one that made absolutely no sense to Jim. He couldn't tell if they hated each other or simply enjoyed exchanging sharp banter, poking at each other's natures and skills. Bones was wary of the Vulcan who had beat up his best friend, while Spock seemed to have a distrust of all medical practitioners. The two were always ready to gain up against Jim though, so he thought that that should count for something.

Spock was, of course, in a relationship with Uhura. However, Jim admired the way they managed to remain so professional with each other. Besides the one kiss on the transport pad, he never really saw many other signs of the nature of their relationship. They often were together though, and they seemed happy enough. Despite his curiosity, it wasn't Jim's place to pry unless he wanted to be strangled again.

Of course, the only person Spock spent time with more than Uhura was Jim himself. As Captain and First Officer, they naturally had to do a lot of work together. Jim found himself actually liking the Vulcan now that he got to know him. Spock excelled at the daily running of the ship, often taking care of problems before Jim was even aware of them. He followed Jim's lead, but was ready to pull him back if he started getting too crazy. Spock had more knowledge of the regulations than Jim could ever hope to have and he knew how to bend them to his purposes. He was an interesting dichotomy of peaceful scientist and badass fighter. If his crewmates were threatened, he showed absolutely no mercy.

With the amount of time Jim was sending with him, he was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed how bad things were for the Vulcan. He was sure he was the only one who knew how real the ghosts of Vulcan were to Spock.

Then again, it was not like the signs were very big. It was all in the way that Spock, meticulous and thorough worker that he was, would pause sometimes in the middle of a shift. It was in the way there was a flash of deep pain that would go through his eyes as people offered condolences before the unemotional mask would slam down. It was the blank look would pop up as if he really is a robot on autopilot. Although apparently it had been a tendency before, it was even more apparent in the way he was so ready to protect others during missions but not himself.

All of these were tiny, insignificant. Unless someone knew Spock, they would never notice them. Even less would be able to figure out what they meant.

That was probably why Jim was shocked that Uhura didn't even seem to notice.

He had no clue what they were like in private, but there had been a few times when he had asked some questions about it and she had no idea what he was talking about.

Jim really did not know how those two worked. It worried him that Uhura seemed to have no clue what was going on with Spock and he tried to keep it quiet since being on the Enterprise was something that Spock needed.

It made Jim even gladder that Spock had joined them. His talents would have been wasted had he went to the colony. Also, it was obvious that this was what Spock loved. Someone in his state needed to do what he or she loved. It was a way to be grounded in reality.

Still, Jim decided to do what he could to help.

* * *

It started with a chess game.

Jim had heard how good Spock was, and it was an activity he seemed to enjoy. Jim had never played before, but he wanted to do something with Spock outside of their work. So as their shift was ending one evening, he approached him at the science station.

"So, Spock," He tried to be nonchalant. "I've heard that you're good at chest."

"I have been told." Spock replied, not even bothering to look up as he finished of the last bit of observations before he handed of the station to the next shift.

"Is it true that you reprogrammed the computer just to have a challenge?" In some ways, this had reminded Jim of his own hacking tendencies, so he couldn't help but be curious.

"I did indeed reprogram the computer." Spock finally turned to him. "Though at best, the result is a tie."

"Would you teach me?" Jim grinned at the raised eyebrow he received. "I'm sure that once I get the hang of it, I can offer a better challenge than just a tie at best."

He appeared to think about it, and then the Vulcan agreed.

They started with normal chess and then Spock later taught him how to play with a 3D board. Jim managed to keep his promise, in a way. He still hadn't beaten Spock, but his First Officer seemed fascinated by his illogical style of playing. Fairly soon, they were playing at least one game a day. Playing against Jim kept Spock grounded in the here and now, and that was the most important point.

As long as Spock was paying attention to what was happening around him, he had no time to let ghosts from the past drag him back.

Jim did other things as well. He talked to Spock and asked him about his life. He also continued with the playful teasing that he did with everyone.

Slowly, but surely, Jim found himself thinking of Spock as a friend. Not only a friend, but maybe even his best friend (don't tell Bones that though). Sometimes he still wanted to punch the Vulcan or rip his bangs off his head, since the Spock was still quite the stick in the mud. But, as he said, he actually found him liking the Vulcan.

Jim had no clue if Spock knew about why he had first or that ghosts were haunting him. He found that he didn't care, because Spock was his friend and he would take care of him. Jim would make sure that his friend would remain here with him, and not with the ghosts.

Jim didn't want Spock to end up like his mom. There was no way that Jim would let that happen.

Of course, it was easier this time, since Spock's ghosts didn't have his face. As long as Jim was here, Spock would be okay, and so the ship and crew would be okay. Jim would be okay.

There was simply no other way for things to be, and with Jim's stubborn nature, he would make it so.

And there was no reason for Spock to know that he knew as long as he was okay.

* * *

_Continued in Part 2_


	2. Part 2 - The Ghost of Jim

Part 2 – The Ghost of Jim

It takes Jim a while to notice that Spock has a new ghost haunting him.

To be fair, he has a lot on his plate. After all, Jim had actually died. He had been DEAD. It was only because of Bones, Spock, and, surprisingly, Uhura that he was still alive.

Then, of course, there was the paperwork for the entire incident, the investigation into all of Admiral Marcus's schemes, deciding what to do to Khan and his crew (Jim's opinion was ignored in this regard), putting his ship back together, cleaning up San Francisco, and finding temporary positions or missions for his crew that wouldn't entrenched in paperwork or repairing the Enterprise during the next year.

That's why when Jim first woke, he didn't notice how thin and tired Spock was despite his normal perfect posture and immaculate dress uniform. He didn't notice how Bones was shooting the Vulcan worried looks or occasionally gave him a scan with his tricorder as he spoke with Jim.

As time went on, he didn't notice that the dynamic between Uhura and Spock had changed to something more light and easy-going. He didn't notice that Uhura spent more time with Scotty while Spock usually joined him and Bones when he wasn't by himself. He didn't notice that Spock tended to hover a bit over him, as if expecting him to disappear at any moment.

One thing he did notice, merely because he kept asking about it, was that no one would tell him how Spock got Khan so Bones could get his blood. Whenever he asked, no matter who he was talking to be it Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty, or someone else, he or she would immediately clam up. The person would look a bit sad and anxious, looking around nervously, before changing the subject.

Spock had refused to let him see that part of the incident report and somehow he had got Starfleet to agree with him, because the records were sealed away from him. He couldn't even hack into them, which was scary. Bones refused point blank to let him see the medical reports so Jim had no idea how he managed to get Khan to give blood in the first place. When Jim had tried to go around him and asked M'Benga about it, the doctor had given him an almost pitiful look, but had also refused him.

Jim hated it, but it appeared that no one would tell him for now. There also seemed to not be much that he could do. Besides, he had a whole lot of other problems he had to worry about it.

During that year between the Khan incident and the Enterprise leaving for its first 5-year mission, Jim noticed that he and Spock were growing even closer. At first, he thought it was natural, as the Captain and First Officer work the most together and they had a lot of preparations and paperwork to get through. It was actually at this point that he realized that if he hadn't lied on his report about the Niberu incident, with Spock's additional report, he could have gotten away with interfering (at that point, Jim decided not to lie on reports and let Spock come up with logical reasons to break the Prime Directive). Still, eventually, he noticed that Spock and Uhura were not spending as much time together, and instead, Spock was spending more time with _him_.

It was easy to understand why it took him so long to realize this. Spock still interacted with the main bridge crewmembers, his friends, like he always did. It's just now he seemed to seek out Jim's company instead of Uhura's when he didn't want solitude. He and Uhura were still friends obviously, but something had changed.

When Jim asked, Spock simply replied, "Nyota and I have terminated the romantic aspect of our relationship. We remain friends, and I shall support her in whatever future pursuits she takes."

That was all he would say on the subject no matter how Jim bugged him about the why and when of the situation. At one point, he knew he had pushed him a bit too far as he gave him that look from when Jim had once seen the two kissing before transporting to the Narada. Spock was still a Vulcan and he took his private matters seriously.

Anyway, Spock spent more time with him and, as a result, with Bones as well. Pretty soon, Jim liked to think that the three of them were great friends. Even if Bones and Spock were constantly sniping at each other. He almost wanted to count the wins and losses between them, but he didn't have the eidetic memory for it. Jim thought Spock was probably keeping track though.

Still, a year passed and then they were finally on their way. Jim hadn't noticed even then, or at least hadn't put together all of the signs that were in front of his face. He continued to watch for the old signs of Spock's hauntings; it didn't even occur to him that there might be different signs for a new, different ghost.

* * *

Jim didn't even suspect until the first away mission where he got hurt. Normally, Spock came with him and helped him keep injuries to a minimum. This time, however, there had been an incident in one of the labs that had called Spock away at the last minute. Therefore, the Vulcan could not protect him as usually would have.

Jim opened his eyes in Sickbay and noticed the palpable relief shining in Spock's all too human eyes. It was quickly masked, but Jim had already seen it. Before he could ask Spock about it though, Bones had pounced with hyposprays and lectures about being an idiot. Once Bones's tirade was over, Spock quickly excused himself with a wish for Jim to get better as soon as possible.

That was when Jim finally noticed and when the suspicion began to form.

From that point on, Jim started paying attention and looked over past missions, and the evidence was plainly there in front of him.

Spock had always been stupidly self-sacrificing, always trying to save everyone else without a care for himself and using logic to get away with this. His behavior since the start of the mission went beyond that.

It's like Jim triggered a switch or something. From looking over the reports and observing, Spock was getting hurt _a lot_ in order to just protect him. Also, as soon as Jim was threatened, Spock would immediately switch from pacifist to badass. Anyone who tried to hurt Jim got quite a reckoning, even if it wasn't confirmed that it was a threat, like the Horta that they encountered on that mining planet.

Still, Jim couldn't see a reason for such a change in behavior. He knew he was at the center of the change, but he couldn't figure out why.

Later, he would feel like pounding his head against the wall for not seeing the obvious.

The truth came out one night when he and Bones were drinking.

"Y'know, Spock's been acting weird." Jim told Bones. "Ever since this mission began."

"You don't say." Bones drawled as he poured himself and Jim another drink.

"Yeah, I do say." He insisted. "I just don't know _why_."

"Yeah, right." Bones snorted into his drink.

"No, really. Why?"

At this Bones looked up and gave Jim a long look. He set down his drink. "You really don't know."

Jim wrinkled his nose. "Isn't that what I just said?"

"Yeah, I know. But usually, you…" Bones gave a deep sigh. "The universe just hates me, doesn't it? This has got to be proof."

"Of what?" Jim was annoyed now.

Bones rubbed his eyes. "Do you know what happened after you died?"

Jim sat back and blinked. He had not expected the conversation to turn this way. "Uh, Spock somehow got Khan, you took some blood, and I lived. That's basically all I know since the files are sealed even against me."

"You can probably thank the pointy-eared goblin for that." Bones took a sip of his drink. "Now, mostly I saw the videos, and, of course, the aftermath." He looked Jim in the eye. "How do you think Spock got Khan?"

Jim took a moment to think. "I assume he took a security team, surrounded the bastard, and brought him in. That would be the most logical way to do it."

Bones gave a harsh laugh. "I assure you, logic had _nothing_ to do with Khan's capture." He took a longer drink. "You know I always go at him about not having emotions. But that whole thing did nothing but prove that he has them, and it showed quickly why it's better for everyone for Vulcans to control themselves.

Everyone in Engineering and the Bridge said that it was terrifying to see him leave that Warp Core. You could practically _feel_ his anger. And then," he paused.

Jim found himself leaning forward, like a kid being told his favorite bedtime story. He couldn't believe that Spock had shown emotions. Sure, he had seemed upset and even shed a tear as Jim was dying, but he had assumed that Spock had pulled himself together and done what he had to. After all, he had seemed fine when he had woken up. "And then?" He prodded.

Bones looked at him. "Spock went after Khan. _By himself_. I've seen the videos. He chased him down, through the streets, in traffic. He was hell-bent on tearing Khan apart. He almost did. It was only Uhura telling him that we needed the bastard to save you that broke him out of berserker mode." He drained the rest of his glass and poured himself another. "Jim, the injuries on Khan were extensive. I had to stabilize him before I could draw any blood. And Khan gave as good as he got. Frankly, I'm surprised that Spock was able to walk, much less carry him into Sickbay. Of course," he contemplated, "he did collapse shortly after."

Jim found himself sitting back once more. He couldn't believe it. Gentle, kind, logical, pacifistic scientist Spock had nearly killed a man just because he had been killed. He had lost control of his emotions entirely, something Jim had only seen when Spock's mother had died. This was… unbelievable.

"Don't tell the hobgoblin I told you. He didn't want you to know."

Jim barely acknowledged his friends words, his mind still reeling. His mind was quickly making connections.

This might be why Spock and Uhura broke up. After all, Spock had never shown such emotion for her. He wondered if it had happened before he even woke up, but that sort of speculation was pointless. The big idea was that Spock had become emotionally compromised for him, when only his planet and mother that he loved had –

Loved.

Holy shit.

Bones nodded as Jim looked up at him, knowing what he must have just realized. "Yep."

Jim felt like he was losing his grip on reality. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"You're womanizing James 'Tomcat' Kirk. It would be _illogical_ to tell you when you clearly do not feel the same." The tone implied that Bones had most likely been told something along those lines before.

The rest of that night had been spent drinking, although that conversation buzzed in the back of Jim's mind until he lay down to sleep that night. At that point, the final puzzle piece sunk in and slipped into place.

Spock had a new ghost.

And this time, it had his face.

Spock was haunted by those last moments at the warp core, making him terrified by the thought of Jim dying again.

* * *

The next step was confronting Spock about everything. And there was a lot to confront him about.

There was the fact that Spock was apparently in love with him, which made him wonder if Old Spock and his other self had really been just friends. Then, there were also Spock's ghosts, which Jim thought he could deal with and never bring it up, but now he was one of them. There was Spock's general self-sacrificing attitude, because Jim still had not forgotten the volcano incident. There was the whole thing with Khan in general.

This conversation was going to take a while.

Finally, after mulling over it a few days, Jim decided to bring it up during chess.

"Uh, Spock," Jim started.

"Yes, Captain." Spock looked up from the board, giving Jim his full-undivided attention. He seemed to do that with whatever was happening.

"It's Jim." He corrected automatically. Jim was pretty sure that Spock only called him that in private to mess with him. The slight twitch to Spock's lips confirmed it.

"Yes, Jim."

"Uh, anyway," Jim was finding this to be really awkward. "I, uh, found out what you did in order to bring Khan in."

Spock blinked, but showed no other reaction. "I see."

"And I noticed that, well, you've been acting different ever since then." Jim started fiddling with one of Spock's pawns that he had captured.

"I see." Jim was beginning to think that was Vulcan for "Get to the point or drop it."

"So, yeah." Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "Are you okay?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I am operating at my usual capacity."

"That's not what I meant." Jim sighed. He hated talking about this sort of crap. "I know you had problems after Vulcan, but now I think that I'm the one causing you problems. You've been different ever since Khan."

"I assure you, Captain, that you are not the cause of any behavior changes that you may perceive."

"Bullshit." Jim said. "From the sound of it, you went way off the rails while I was dead, and you've been overprotective of me ever since. The only _logical_ conclusion is that I am the cause."

Spock avoided Jim's look, so he knew he was right. This wasn't how he wanted this conversation to go though, so he tried to change the pace.

"Spock…" He paused, unsure how to perceive. "I know about the ghosts."

Vulcans were usually blunt, unless there was a reason to avoid telling the truth. There was that old saying about how Vulcans cannot lie, but even then, half-Vulcans certainly can as shown by Old Spock telling Jim the universe could end or normal Spock dancing rings around Starfleet when they call him asking why he was making no attempts to completely reign Jim in. Jim hoped that by coming out and saying it outright, Spock would follow his lead instead of continue to avoid the issue.

Spock didn't look at him, but he gave a tight nod. "I had suspected as much. However, as you have seen, I do not allow it to affect my duties as your First and Chief Science Officer. I am at acceptable levels of efficiency."

"I know. I wasn't questioning your abilities." Jim ran his hand through his hair. "It's just I think you've had another since the whole thing with Khan." He finally caught Spock's eyes, and wasn't surprised by the emotion he found there. "And I think I know why you and Uhura really broke up."

Spock looked away again. "I had no intention of ever burdening you with this knowledge." He made a motion as if to get up, but Jim quickly snatched his sleeve before he could get up. Spock looked down at his hand, an eyebrow coming up in surprise.

Before this moment, Jim hadn't been sure what exactly he was going to do about Spock's feelings for him, or even what he really wanted. Now, he knew, and he had probably wanted it for a while.

"It's not a burden." Jim said, firmly. He came around the table so he stood in front of Spock. "I would never consider your feelings a burden."

Spock blinked up at him, clearly surprised. "I did not think – "

"Yeah, well, I didn't realize that this was what I wanted." Jim gave him his famous grin. "Just like me. I forge ahead without even knowing much about what I'm doing."

"Indeed." The aura around Spock somehow seemed lighter.

Still, there was something that Jim still needed to address.

One of the reasons that he had hated it when his mom started seeing ghosts was because she wouldn't see _him_. She would compare him to someone dead, and he always would come up short.

With Spock, it was different though. Spock was seeing him, but he was seeing him as he was: dead. Spock wasn't comparing him with anyone. For him, Jim's ghost came from the memory of Jim actually dying and the emotions that Spock had felt at the time. Also, their occupation was full of danger and the possibility of dying, so there were a lot of things that could just make that fear worse.

No wonder Spock was throwing himself into danger even more than usual. It was probably the only "logical" way he could think of to protect him.

Still, Spock was still seeing him, not someone else. So, there was a way to fix this.

"I am alive, you know." Jim looked into Spock's eyes, trying to convey what he really wanted to say.

Spock's hand trailed down the arm that Jim had used to grab his sleeve. His index and middle finger fell onto Jim's pulse. Jim remembered from a past conversation where he had asked Spock about the gesture that this was a Vulcan kiss.

"But you were not." Spock's voice was soft, and there was a hint of emotion to it. Sorrow crept into the usual monotone as he glanced down at the wrist in his grasp.

"Thanks to you, I am now." Jim tilted Spock's head up a bit, and laid a gentle kiss on his lips.

And as Spock kissed back, Jim knew that even though ghosts may occasionally trail after them, they were going to be alright.

* * *

End.

* * *

_AN: As I said at the beginning, this was inspired by an artwork on Deviantart that I saw. Although that was mostly a reference to the aftermath of the destruction of Vulcan. It got me thinking though: what about after Jim died? That would have left a bigger scar given Spock's reaction. He didn't even flip out that bad for his mom until he was provoked. So, I think that just proves that he loves Jim. Thus, this was born._


End file.
